My family is a conservative one. I can say this because during the past 17 years of my life, the adults of our family all showed the well-known symptoms. Preference to boys over girls, strict rules during traditional ceremonies, regular trips to relatives, the presumption that grown-ups are so superior to the young ones that they do not need to listen to what we think. Now, as I explain this hierarchy, some of you may realize what I think of this. I hated this way of thinking, and as I became older I became more vocal in showing my opinions. My family could say that I rebelled, but it wouldn't be that much for others. I mean, not standing straight is liable for a condemnation for my family. Not being overly courteous, not contacting the family often enough are just a few of my "crimes". Well, yeah, those things weren't positive, but in my opinion these actions weren't so serious that I were to be reprimanded and punished. Because of this I was kind of stressed out about living with my family. I had to watch every step in front of my parent's eyes. I think that's why I did a lot of "undesirable" things behind their backs. I went to Internet cafes, played computer games, bought things that I wasn't allowed to and a lot of other things I do not remember or will not write in this essay. As I'm human, however, I got caught a fair amount of times, and each time it was harder for me to execute these actions. But the most memorable and unusual "arrest" happened just last month, January 2013. At that time, I didn't do anything morally wrong. I just "got caught" lending a hand to a friend.
The situation started out simple. A friend from school asked me to lend him some handouts to study for the upcoming SAT Subject Chemistry test. I was to take the same test with him, but I didn't really mind, so long as he returned it back to me. On the other hand, if my mother found out, she would be very angry for it meant that I would lose precious studying time for the test. So I had to plan this out like a spy...somehow. I decided to give him the handouts on my way over to a cafe in which I was to prepare for a mock trial presentation at some English camp for middle-school students. I put the handouts in the bag I was going to take with me, and went to bed. Next morning, I woke to my mother opening my bag. Upon seeing the papers, she asked me why I was taking them. I thought fast and managed to explain that I must have put them there by mistake, and took them out. After she left, I agonized on how to keep my promise. In the end, I decided to risk it and took them to my friend. He was grateful and I felt good. However, when I got home, my mother called me over. She'd found out that the papers were missing. After trying to lie to her, I gave up and told her the truth. She got mad, not just because I lied, but also because I had put my friendship before my studies. I got mad and had one of the biggest fights ever with my mother. I asked my mother why this was such a big deal, and if helping a friend is the wrong thing to do. She said that not only did I lie to her, but also that even after she had caught me in the morning, I disobeyed her by taking the handouts again to my friend. I retorted that the reason I did so was that I knew that she would be angry like this and that I didn't want to listen to her yelling about some stupid printouts. After going on and on, both of us got tired of this and let this matter pass, and this just went down as one of the more absurd fights with my mother.
How did I get caught? Well, my mother had been forewarned of the possibility when she had opened my bag. But in this story, the biggest reason I got caught was because I valued my friendship more than just a bunch of handouts and the inevitable fight with my mother. That's why I took the risk. I may seem full of myself, but if I hadn't valued my relationships, this altercation wouldn't have happened. I've been caught doing many things, but rarely have I been reprimanded for doing something good and morally correct. This gave me a lesson on how there are two sides in every action, and also on what kind of person I am.
Very well written with a strong “tone” suggesting a clear writer’s voice. While the story isn’t so amazing or profound or high stakes, the style and voice it is told in is fun and fast and direct. It is interesting enough that you could write about eating cereal and still make it worth reading. The story is ironic and comedic, and yes – also somewhat ridiculous. You illustrate the concerned mother very effectively, and I wonder what sort of dialogue you exchanged, and how you might have attempted to convince your mother that she had nothing to worry about. In America, kids get in less trouble for smoking cigarettes and spray painting walls. You may wish to increase the fun and absurdity in a second draft that is longer and more robust. Add more descriptive writing and use creative analogies and metaphors etc. to engage your reader. You got “caught” helping a friend, and it causes one to wonder “when isn’t there a time that a KMLA student doesn’t have something to study for.” Sometimes, you just have to say “_____ it!” and spend an afternoon enjoying life as a teenager. Build some of that in. Great writing.
답글삭제______
Above are the suggestions for a second draft, and I'm wondering how much extra care your second draft received. There are some changes, but not many. Cosmetically, do I see a "two paragraph essay"? Really? Very hard to read. Print is somewhat small, and there is no "extra ingredient," such as a picture, that invites a reader to read. Keep in mind that the blog is ALWAYS a chance to make your work look better. I think you basically just retyped your essay.
Good writing and fun topic, but use the second draft to really improve your work. Don't underestimate the purpose of the blog.