America. The land of the free.
Virginia. The place where it all began.
A place where my family could pursue the
American dream and become free citizens of our new home.
These were the things I had hoped to
experience when we first came to the United States of America 9 years ago.
Not a dark, clammy apartment in Blacksburg,
Virginia.
Not my mother getting killed during the
Virginia Tech massacre.
Not getting bullied by the jocks ever since
9th grade.
Not working at a shabby café across the
street to make ends meet.
I’m going to college. By some twisted fate,
my school will be Virginia Tech, the school where my own mother got shot in the
spine. Although I could go to other schools, Virginia Tech was the best viable
option for me to follow my dream to become a science teacher. The funny thing
is that I had a 5.0 GPA and a 2400 score in the SAT, with around 8 AP tests with
a score of 5. Somehow, I was born with something called a photographic memory. I
remember everything I see, and all those images are stored neatly in my brain. So
basically, I remembered all the study materials and got perfect scores.
However, my dad and I were struggling too much to afford to go to any prestigious
tech school like Stanford or MIT. I could have gotten a scholarship, but then
my dad would have had to live all on his own, which wasn’t a good option. So I
decided to stay in Virginia with my dad.
I woke up to the alarm clock’s screaming
pitch. I hit the snooze and got out of bed. When I stumbled out, my dad was
already warming up.
“You ready?”
I nodded, and got dressed for our regular 6
o’clock jog.
After running all the way down to the Old Town
Hall and back, we showered, wolfed down some fruit and toast for breakfast, and
checked the things I would take to school today.
‘Textbooks, a couple of pens, pencils and
erasers, highlighters, a 6-pack of energy drinks…’
I looked around my shabby room in search of
anything I might have left out. My eyes landed on the sheath of twin throwing
knives I’ve been practicing with. They were the new Eagle Eyes my dad got from his old veteran buddies in the People's Army for my birthday. These knives are really growing on me,
so much so that I actually took down a passing pigeon as it raced past my
window. (I’m sure that it’s illegal, but no harm, no foul…I guess.) I strapped the
sheath around my thigh and set off for my first day in college.
I parked my old pickup at the very end of the parking lot on campus, and set off to the gym, where the orientation session was about to begin. When I got inside, there were thousands of students milling around, greeting each other and joking around as if they were old friends reunited. I had no such inclination, and proceeded to sit at the very front of the rows of chairs that were set on the floor.
"Hey! Look at this cutie!"
Something large, something hard hit the back of my head. I whirled around, upsetting the chair to find that a tall, black jock was pointing and laughing at me. I noticed the basketball he had thrown at me, and picked it up.
"Yo, chink! Toss it over to papa! Come on!"
So I did. Hard. The idiot didn't have a chance. The ball hit the guy in the guts so hard that the wind got blown right out of him. Winded and moaning, he tried to stand up, but promptly stumbled down. His friends helped him to his feet, and the guy limped over to me and stared down at me.
"What's your name, chink?"
Although I had knocked the wind out of him, he was around 6 foot 2, and looked around 200 pounds of muscle. When I realized this...
"Burp."
The guy just stared...
"I m,m,mean, W,w,wang...burp."
Damn it! My tick just acted up...
Although I was endowed with perfect memory skills and a reasonable amount of physical strength, whenever I feel threatened by someone...I tend to stutter. The burping, on the other hand, is just something that comes out on an intermittent basis without any warning. Somehow, those two had to come out all at once.
The jock cracked up.
"Ok, W,w,wang Burp. I've got a newsflash for you. Whenever you think you're safe, whenever you least expect it, I'm gonna get you. You feel me?"
I nodded, not daring to open up my ticks again.
The guy left with his friends in toe, laughing, I presume, about my ticks.
I sat down again...feeling sad and angry at the same time. Even though I exercise with my dad a lot, I still wasn't strong enough to fight back the bullies who have taunted me for my race, my grades, and my ticks. Just wait and see, I mused, just wait and...
"Excuse me? Is this seat taken?"
A redhead girl, a newbie like me, was pointing to the seat to my right.
"N,no, h,help yourself."
What? I thought I only stuttered to people who scared me! She didn't scare me, I think. My heart is racing...my pulse is going nuts...I'm sweating...
Maybe it was something about her hair, the way it reflected the light to look like a mane of fire. I often wanted to make a rug or a blanket out of redheads' hair...
Stop staring at her!
"Are you okay? You look awful..."
"I...I'm f,fine."
"What's your name?"
"W,wang...burp...excuse me...J,jing. W,wang J,jing."
"W,wang...burp...excuse me...J,jing. W,wang J,jing."
"I'm Melanie! Nice to meet you."
"L,likewise."
"L,likewise."
"What classes are you taking?"
"E,engineering."
"E,engineering."
"So am I! I bet we'll see each other a lot!"
Yeah...that'll be great...
I think my first day at college didn't turn out so bad after all...

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This is great. A bit more "plot focused" than most, but the plot you have is convincing, and pointing toward what seems like a much bigger story. The beginning is really poignant and I like the flow of narrative. This guy is a bit different from our typical Wang Jings and very dynamic and complex. You have a ton of foreshadowing here, and I don't mind that I don't know what happens. That would be a 300 page novel, and my guess is that he's tempted to do some terrible things with those knives, but Melanie acts as a mentor. You do a great job of building on the character traits set forth, and the use of Virginia Tech is really convincing and haunting. This protagonist has a good reason to be angry, and the irony of attending the place where his mother was shot is definitely testing your main character with an "interesting conflict" - which every story needs.
답글삭제Seems like you put in some extra effort here, and when you do the results speak for themselves. You're a very good writer with a sparse, yet sharp and impactful style.